Post by Dante on Sept 7, 2007 14:07:24 GMT -5
Okay, I have one that I need criticism on at the moment (constructive, please... 
).
Most of my work is pretty bad, to be honest, so I need help on how to improve it. Anyway, here is the first piece of my work that I shall post... It's called "The Mosquito".
). Most of my work is pretty bad, to be honest, so I need help on how to improve it. Anyway, here is the first piece of my work that I shall post... It's called "The Mosquito".
The Mosquito
I sit
resting
on your arm,
Sucking,
Feeding
on your blood.
My legs, like tiny
matchsticks,
are weak and
easily broken.
I finish my breakfast
and leave.
I am weak and pathetic
to you,
I am slow and easy
to kill,
but I am full of
energy,
although I only live a
short while.
Yet I do live,
hovering around
energetically,
happy that I’ve found my meal.
But warily and patiently
waiting
for the perfect moment to
Strike.
I fall, out of the sky and
drop down to my
lunch below,
I fell exhilarated, like a
Human with a parachute,
Freefalling,
a moment
Suspended
in time.
Just seconds to go
before I’ve had
my fill,
when a hand, from
nowhere
appears above me,
in less than a second,
it swings
and swiftly,
I’m slain.
Why do you hate me?
I just wanted to live,
Why have you made
my death
a necessity?
Now my children will die,
like their father and I, and all because were
a slight
annoyance.
We inject a liquid,
some call it poison,
but it stops us
from causing you
pain.
I’m sorry we’re like this,
but it’s not our fault
and it’s all
going to happen
Again.
I sit
resting
on your arm,
Sucking,
Feeding
on your blood.
My legs, like tiny
matchsticks,
are weak and
easily broken.
I finish my breakfast
and leave.
I am weak and pathetic
to you,
I am slow and easy
to kill,
but I am full of
energy,
although I only live a
short while.
Yet I do live,
hovering around
energetically,
happy that I’ve found my meal.
But warily and patiently
waiting
for the perfect moment to
Strike.
I fall, out of the sky and
drop down to my
lunch below,
I fell exhilarated, like a
Human with a parachute,
Freefalling,
a moment
Suspended
in time.
Just seconds to go
before I’ve had
my fill,
when a hand, from
nowhere
appears above me,
in less than a second,
it swings
and swiftly,
I’m slain.
Why do you hate me?
I just wanted to live,
Why have you made
my death
a necessity?
Now my children will die,
like their father and I, and all because were
a slight
annoyance.
We inject a liquid,
some call it poison,
but it stops us
from causing you
pain.
I’m sorry we’re like this,
but it’s not our fault
and it’s all
going to happen
Again.
